Name Changed.........Make Me Laugh Please!!!!

Scots Crusader

had a couple mails from my bro today, they are funny(ish) depending on who you are. So will post them just because it is Friday. 8)

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

A farmer was out on his Welsh hillside tending his flock one day,when he
saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from the stream which ran down
from one of his fields. Realising the danger, he shouted over to the man,
"Paidwch yfed yr dwr! Mae'n ych-y-fi" (don't drink the water, it's not nice).

The man at the stream lifted his head and put a cupped hand to his ear,
shrugged his shoulders at the farmer, and carried on drinking.

Realising the man at the stream couldn't hear him, the farmer move
closer.
"Paid fachgen! Dwr ych-y-fi! Defaid crappio yn y dwr!" (Don't boy, the
water is not nice. The sheep crap in the water).

Still the walker couldn't hear the farmer. Finally the farmer walked
right up to the man at the stream and once again said "Dwr yn ych-y-fi!
Dim yfed!" (the water's dirty don't drink it!)

"I'm dreadfully sorry my good man, I couldn't understand a word you
said!" said the man at the stream in a fine English accent, "Oh I see"
said the farmer. "I was just saying, if you use both hands you can get
more in..."

APOLOGIES to the English people. I am not an English hater, just thought it was funny. But I WILL be supporting Portugal, alongside one of my best mates(an Englishman) having a right bucket and a laugh.
_________________
We have a saying, "You can only piss with the cock you have got!"

Whisky will not cure the common cold. But it fails more agreeably than most other things!!!

Kaylana Syi · Posted: Fri Jun 30, 2006 1:32 pm Post subject:

OMG the decent into humanity's haggis begins! Angry Slaver!

_________________

Approach things in life like a dog. If you can't eat it, sniff it or hump it then just piss on it and walk away.

Scots Crusader · Posted: Fri Jun 30, 2006 1:35 pm Post subject:

Ah Kay, I will behave myself here. it will not be like the Archon one with 24 pages of jokes. This is a serious endeavour. I was just in a good mood this morning Razz

_________________
We have a saying, "You can only piss with the cock you have got!"

Whisky will not cure the common cold. But it fails more agreeably than most other things!!!

Kaylana Syi · Posted: Fri Jun 30, 2006 1:39 pm Post subject:

somehow it will spin out of control... and i look forward to it Laughing

_________________

Approach things in life like a dog. If you can't eat it, sniff it or hump it then just piss on it and walk away.

Scots Crusader · Posted: Fri Jun 30, 2006 1:50 pm Post subject:

The one in Archon certainly did. Would need to see at Calm about making this a general joke thread, but not sure, that maybe out of place here methinks.
_________________
We have a saying, "You can only piss with the cock you have got!"

Whisky will not cure the common cold. But it fails more agreeably than most other things!!!

Kaylana Syi · Posted: Fri Jun 30, 2006 2:08 pm Post subject:

Scots Crusader · Posted: Fri Jun 30, 2006 2:13 pm Post subject:

Bourbon, BOURBON!!!!!!! Kay, how much times, there is only WHISKY!! It is heavens own nectar. not that stuff bourbon Twisted Evil

_________________
We have a saying, "You can only piss with the cock you have got!"

Whisky will not cure the common cold. But it fails more agreeably than most other things!!!

Kaylana Syi · Posted: Fri Jun 30, 2006 2:27 pm Post subject:

Whiskey is ok but I have cut back lately on any divine drink. Trying to keep me girlish figure.
_________________

Approach things in life like a dog. If you can't eat it, sniff it or hump it then just piss on it and walk away.

Scots Crusader · Posted: Fri Jun 30, 2006 2:33 pm Post subject:

No e in whisky. real men fly Minnie and drink WHISKY. Got to say, I have been on the wagon for a week or so(due to financial restrictions, impossed by saving for holiday to Florida), but going to make up for it this weekend. Wink

_________________
We have a saying, "You can only piss with the cock you have got!"

Whisky will not cure the common cold. But it fails more agreeably than most other things!!!

Kaylana Syi · Posted: Fri Jun 30, 2006 2:35 pm Post subject:

Scots Crusader · Posted: Fri Jun 30, 2006 2:47 pm Post subject:

Make it a double malt and I will be there bud. Kilt and all. Twisted Evil

How far is that from Kissimee(sorry about spelling Embarassed

)
_________________
We have a saying, "You can only piss with the cock you have got!"

Whisky will not cure the common cold. But it fails more agreeably than most other things!!!

Calmdown · Posted: Fri Jun 30, 2006 6:49 pm Post subject:

Kaylana Syi · Posted: Fri Jun 30, 2006 7:17 pm Post subject:

Scots Crusader · Posted: Sat Jul 01, 2006 9:28 am Post subject:

HAHAHA. I will be coming over myself. She will be shopping no doubt.
_________________
We have a saying, "You can only piss with the cock you have got!"

Whisky will not cure the common cold. But it fails more agreeably than most other things!!!

Scots Crusader · Posted: Sat Jul 01, 2006 10:05 am Post subject:

OK. I will post a couple small jokes. Just for C.

A Scotsman. English man and Irishman are in a bar bragging about how good they are at sex.

The Scot says,"When I make love to the wife I sprinkle rose petals on her naked body and the wife rises 2 inches off the bed in extacy!!"

The Englishman says,"When I make love to my wife, I sprinkle rose petals and perfumes from all over the world on her and she rises 4 inches off the bed in extacy!!"

The Irishman smiles and says,"When I have finished making love to my wife I wipe my d**k on the bed and she hits the roof!!"

An old one:-

Superman and Batman are having a pint in the local discussing thier weeks happenings. Superman starts off "Well Bats, I am flying over the earth at super speed, when I see<through my super vision< Wonderwoman lying naked, in a field grinding her hips in a sexual manner!!"

"What did you do then" asks BM

"Well" says Superman, "I think to myself, I will fly down at superspeed, strip naked in flight, and be half way finished by the time Wonderwoman realises what is happening!!"

"Jesus, I bet she got a shock!!" says Batman.

"Not as big a one as the Invisibleman did!!" says Superman.

A religious man, as he has done for 50 years, is kneeling at the foot of his bed in prayer, when God appears to him in a vision.

God tells him that for all his selfless work and daily prayers he will be offered a wish in reward.

After thinking abouit it for awhile the man asks for a bridge across the Atlantic ocean so he can visit foreigh lands. God is upset by this, saying that a materialistic thing on this scale would undo all his good work in the past. Citing the sheer amount of raw minerals and the bending of reality to allow such an event as reasons for the wish not being a good one.

God asks him if there is not a more SPIRITUAL wish, more in keeping with his efforts over the years that would be more appropriate?

The man thinks for a moment and asks God to grant him the ability to understand women. To understand thier moods and wants. to understand how they think. This he says will make him a better man.

Upon hearing this God sighed and askd"So this bridge, 4 lanes or 6?"
_________________
We have a saying, "You can only piss with the cock you have got!"

Whisky will not cure the common cold. But it fails more agreeably than most other things!!!